Happy Birthday to... Me, I Guess

Ever have one of those days where you're trying to diet, trying to really eat well and then suddenly, you remember you have favorite Aunt Sylvia's 100th birthday party that night and it's being catered by Martha Stewart herself? That's how I felt today.


I was having a fun time with my son until I got an e-mail from a friend in the evening. It's my ex-husband's birthday and he was wishing him well. I had forgotten. It felt like the shock of cold water.


It's been about five weeks since I saw my ex-husband. He was out in the garage gathering his belongings, waiting for a friend to pick him up. He said, "Take care of the children. This is the last time you'll ever see me." I didn't say anything, I just stood there and thought about what he said. I didn't say goodbye. I didn't ask where he was going next. I didn't ask if he was going to call us. I didn't say anything. He stepped outside and told me to close the garage door behind him. As it closed, I thought to myself - this is it - this is the beginning of a new life. I was excited and devastated all in the same heartbeat. Is that even possible?


My friend called me inside and I sat with her on the couch. She had come to support me and protect me even though she could never stand a chance against him. Nevertheless, it's something about strength in numbers, strength in what's right. We both stared at the television, not really watching it. It had been a long day. Lots of arguing, lots of screaming, cursing, and tears. It was over now. I didn't have to worry about going through that with him again.  My children were watching their own show in the playroom, oblivious as to what just transpired - and rightfully so. They shouldn't have to endure things like that. They deserve to go through a lifetime without knowing their parents' sorrow.


As I finished reading the e-mail, I thought, how ironic that it was his birthday and I had gone out and bought a new television set for myself. Well, he did smash my beloved 51" television last year at about this time, so happy birthday to.. me, I guess.

The Back Story

Ah yes... the back story, the schadenfreude. Once upon a time, I was married for a long while, years - happily - until I wasn't. Then I set out to try to live a new life that was seemingly exciting and full of promise. Cut to present day and I am here alone, late at night, writing on my blog - to you :-) Apparently, I did not read the fine print on that second relationship with my eyes open so that is... over, needless to say, and I am now The Newbie Single Mama!


I'm writing this blog for its cathartic qualities, but also because I know that there are many women out there who are just like me. They're not scratching their way out of their cubicles to announce to the world their outrageous fortunes.  Rather, they belong to a quiet society where members can be spotted by certain clues.. The clues being, a familiar phrase, a knowing look, a common book, or dark circles under the eyes from giving comfort on a late-night call. It's difficult for us to come out and say who we are - we're proud, we're tough, we're professionals, we're your bosses, your mothers, your friends. Maybe when the pain is further from the surface..


For me, the pain subsides little by little each day. Some days are better than others. Some days I literally work through the pain. I'm old enough to know this and I've read enough and had enough counseling to know that it's part of the process, the recycling of my heart. I'm blessed to have an amazing support system, but as much as they love me, no one I know is in the same position - mid 30s, two children, and single. So this is unchartered territory that I have to cunningly navigate and while keeping my wits about me.

Turn Back Time

- I know! Wishful thinking to be able to turn back time, but that was my theme today. I think we all do that... flip through the pages of our minds, wanting to take back this, say this instead, insert hug here. That was me today. Too much time on hand sifting through memories and regrets. Those will kill us though so I force myself to move on and then I proceed to convince myself to forgive myself. Waaaaay too much work being done here, no?





 

Good night!

Whew I'm tired- This was a very difficult day of blogging (cue sarcasm). Good night sweet readers! I will be back to cloud your life tomorrow :-)

 

Where the Days Take Us

It's funny how all the little decisions we make - go left here, no don't say that, smile big - bring us all to where we're supposed to be. Right here. And no matter how wrong it looks to us at the moment, reflecting back, we grudgingly but happily agree that all our ups and downs were actually perfect orchestration.

No I didn't just watch an episode of Oprah -- I'm single now! Newbie Single.